Lifestyle

Good grief, now everything we do is supposedly bad for us

Alcohol consumption always seems to be a funny subject to discuss, and maybe a throwback to the days of slapstick.
Alcohol consumption always seems to be a funny subject to discuss, and maybe a throwback to the days of slapstick. Contributed

HEALTH authorities have issued a stern warning that pretty much everything human beings do and eat is probably bad for them.

But they have urged people not to worry too much about this because the stress of worrying will kill them prematurely.

Human science researcher Dr Harn Doomsayer said, while he encouraged people to eat low-fat food, he equally discouraged the eating of these foods.

"Low-fat food is good for your body but inevitably it is full of sugar, sodium and some of those ingredients with long names that don't sound too good," he said.

"Sugar and sodium will kill you, as will fat."

Dr Doomsayer said he mostly recommended that people stick to natural products, like fruit.

"I would, however, discourage the consumption of fruit because it is full of sugar that will rot your teeth and possibly kill you," he said.

"Vegetables are mostly good for you but by the time they are cooked or turned into frozen meals they pretty much have no nutrients left. On top of that they taste foul and cause you to be depressed. This is very bad for you."

Dr Doomsayer said it was universally accepted that wholemeal and grains were good for you.

"Of course they are also sprayed with lots of chemicals so you should only eat grains that have not been grown on a farm," he said.

"This narrows it down to pretty much a choice of none.

"I certainly would encourage people to drink lots of fresh water. But keep in mind that the only really fresh water comes from mountain streams above the snow level. Most other water, including bottled water, is full of bacteria and chemicals that will probably kill you."

Dr Doomsayer said medical studies had shown that moderate consumption of alcohol was good for your heart.

"Unfortunately it destroys your liver and increases your chances of having a terrible accident," he said.

"Exercise is also good for you, unless you actually move. Moving increases your risk of serious injury and skin damage from sun exposure."

 

Alcohol Consumption

For reasons that are hard to explain, people always find the discussion of alcohol consumption to be very funny.

Almost any reference to alcohol in any social situation will produce laughter.

If you are at a conference and anyone makes reference to drinking too much, you can guarantee a laugh.

If you are having a morning meeting and you make reference to someone having "a few too many" the night before, that is also a guaranteed laugh.

If you mention dealing with any social problem with alcohol, that is also funny. Mention that someone "likes a drink" and there will be laughs all-round.

The alcohol-laughter nexus appears to be a link between the golden age of slapstick comedy and the fact that people who have consumed too much alcohol tend to stagger and fall over a lot.

People who have drunk too much also slur their speech and give their bosses an impromptu performance review.

This is always funny until somebody loses their job.

But this also becomes funny after a respectful lapse of time.

 

Thirsty Cow is fiction. No comments or information in this column is accurate, or even literate.

 

>> To read more lifestyle stories

Topics:  alcohol, diet, health, humour, lifestyle, thirsty cow




Missing trainer Bindi Cheers located

Trainer of Grafton Cup Prelude winner Zar Zar Binks Bindi Cheers has a joke with jokcey Matt Paget at the presentation. Photo Adam Hourigan / The Daily Examiner

Horse trainer found three days after she went missing

Asbestos, weather add costs, delay park project

Progress on the upgrade on McLachlan Park in Maclean.

An asbestos find will add $105,000 to a council project.

Up to 10,000 to be hit hard by greyhounds ban

The greyhound industry wants time and the opportunity to prove that the sport can be viable and sustainable.

"A disaster for regional and outer-metropolitan communities"

Latest deals and offers

The Bachelor host: this year's season is a cracker

The Bachelor host Osher Gunsberg.

GUNSBERG says tonight will be "the best night of TV of the year".

Kerri-Anne Kennerley to Sonia Kruger: "Stay brave"

She said her television peer should "stay brave"

Swimwear designer looking for love on The Bachelor

Noni Janur on her first day of filming.

The 25-year-old is one of 22 women vying for Richie Strahan’s heart

Three reasons your mind will be blown this week

Alan Dale and Jacki Weaver in a scene from the TV series Secret City.

THREE shows on Foxtel to make your mind boggle.

Elena wins MasterChef: “I’m ecstatic and eager to celebrate"

MasterChef Australia 2016 winner Elena Duggan, from Noosa.

NOOSA chefs survive marathon grand final dish by Heston Blumenthal.

You can own this Queensland town for just $1

Yelarbon

Unprecedented auction of town's business centre with no reserve

Work starts on $15M Caloundra apartment building

Turning the first sod at the Aqua View Apartments site in Kings Beach are (from left) husband-and-wife developers Alex Yuan and Stella Sun with construction company Tomkins director Mike Tomkins and Councillor Tim Dwyer.

Developers excited about addition to Kings Beach skyline

Plans revealed for 1500-lot 'master-planned community'

Precinct will be bounded by Boundary St and Shoesmith Rd

Ecco Ripley sales run sparks prime release

MOVING IN: Sekisui House has announced the release of more residential blocks at Ecco Ripley.

Sekisui House is preparing to unveil more land at Ecco Ripley

Massive residential 9-storey high-rise hit by delays

An artist’s impression of the eight-storey-high apartment complex that Bernoth Holdings wants to build in South Toowoomba, next to the City Golf Club.

Developer struggles to get approved high-rise development started