Lifestyle

Refugee 'victory' all at sea

THE Federal Government has declared victory in the war on asylum seekers after finding an excuse to lock them up somewhere else.

Prime Minister Julia Gizzard said the issue could now be considered closed after a committee recommended that budding refugees be locked up at Nauru and Papua New Guinea instead of the Australian desert.

"I have been looking for a way to back down on my opposition to Nauru and now I have found it," she said. "I don't consider this a political loss but a victory for ordinary Australians who don't want a country full of foreigners."

Opposition Leader Tony Abshot said he planned to look smug for at least three days after the government backed down on its opposition to Nauru.

"I'm so chuffed that I might personally travel to Nauru and lock these people up," he said.

"Once again we can be seen on the world stage as a kick-arse country that refuses to let oppressed people take advantage of our generosity.

"We may not win many gold medals any more but by gosh we can still detain people who arrive on boats."

Ms Gizzard said children would not be detained if they could prove they were children.

She said genuine refugees had nothing to fear from the new policy except being locked up for a year and possibly going insane.

"We can certainly guarantee that we won't make them endure anything much worse than they had to put up with in their home countries," she said.

"And hopefully the children will learn valuable lessons about not getting into boats with strangers."

The Prime Minister earlier was forced to back down on sending asylum seekers to Malaysia after it was revealed that the country had not signed a piece of paper from the United Nations.

She said the new policy would be backed up by a YouTube video telling refugees what a terrible country Australia could be.

"We are hoping this might deter them," she said.

"Of course we are hoping it won't deter tourists. Naturally we will continue to welcome people with actual money prepared to buy souvenir koalas and fake boomerangs."

The government would also initiate talks with Indonesia to create laws insisting that people-smuggling boats be painted olive green and marked with stark warnings, including pictures of Tony Abshot wearing Speedos and holding the key to a detention centre at Nauru.

The Greens said the policy would result in deaths and more human misery. But everybody ignores the Greens.

Thirsty Cow is fiction.

 

>> To read more lifestyle stories

Topics:  australian government humour lifestyle opinion refugees thirsty cow



New store provides shoppers more fresh food choice

Even the shoppers are excited about the opening of Causley Fresh Grafton as owner Jess Causley (front) poses in front of her staff.

After months of hard work, Causley Fresh finally opens in Grafton

10 songs to spice up the Christmas playlist

Dee Snider from Twisted Sister dressed as Santa has probably ruined more than one Christmas

Sick and tired of the same old Christmas songs?

Local Partners

Magnificent Magpies triumphant return

EXCITEMENT and enthusiasm got 10 students from South Grafton Public School across the line at the recent Animal Allies First Lego League


Wallis Bird at the Pelican Playhouse

IN TOWN: Wallis Bird is on at the Pelican Playhouse next week.

Wallis Bird begins her first Australian tour in Grafton

Community tackling ways to slow the suicide rate

Draft plan to reverse horrific suicide rate in the region

Jingle all the way for Christmas carols in the Clarence

Lower Clarence Community Choir were at the Maclean Rotary Christmas Carols at Maclean High School on Saturday night, 13th December, 2014. Community Photo Debrah Novak / The Daily Examiner

List of dates for Christmas carols in the Clarence Valley

Wallis Bird at the Pelican Playhouse

IN TOWN: Wallis Bird is on at the Pelican Playhouse next week.

Wallis Bird begins her first Australian tour in Grafton

Amy Schumer thanks Barbie trolls for hateful comments

Amy Schumer is in the lead role for the new Barbie movie

Shannen Doherty's husband is suing for destroyed sex life

Shannen Doherty's husband is suing her former manager

Opera in the Paddock back for another show-stopper

BACK AGAIN: Opera in the Paddock.

Enjoy a little Opera in the Paddock next year

Azealia Banks' battery case against Russell Crowe dropped

Russell Crowe will not be charged with battery

Mel Gibson named Best Director at AACTA Awards

Mel Gibson poses in the media room after winning the AACTA Award for Best Direction for Hacksaw Ridge.

HIS wartime drama Hacksaw Ridge sweeps 6th annual awards in Sydney.

Give a little more this Christmas

TIME TO GIVE: Lee Johns, Courtney Smith and Daniel Kelly of Ray White Yamba promote their Little Ray Of Giving Christmas gift appeal.

Call out for presents, big or small

INSIDE STORY: The highlights of your $150 million CBD

GRAND PLAN: The highlights of the Ipswich CBD redevelopment and where they will be located.

Work on city heart's radical transformation to begin next year

VOTE IN OUR POLL: Sand mine opponents face serious dilemma

Public meeting for the proposed sand mine at Maroochydore last week.

Coast MP calls on Minister to stop KRA proposal with stroke of a pen

Developer's grand new multi-million dollar estate

NEW ESTATE: This is the only plan revealed by the property developer's new Billabongs Estate in Agnes Water.

DEVELOPER given the go ahead for a massive estate with 149 homes.

Banks reclaim Gladstone homes as job losses bite

LONG FALL: Property experts Heron Todd say, based on key market indicators, Gladstone is still travelling to the bottom of the market, with property prices set to get cheaper.

Property valuers say Gladstone housing market hasn't hit the bottom

Ready to SELL your property?

Post Your Ad Here!