Lifestyle

T leaves a very bitter taste

James Magnussen has been forced to settle for silver in the final of the men's 100 metre freestyle.
James Magnussen has been forced to settle for silver in the final of the men's 100 metre freestyle. Getty Images Sport - Al Bello

THE Federal Government has launched an investigation into the letter T after it was blamed for Australia's lower-than-expected gold medal tally at the Olympics.

The letter was accused of messing with the heads of star athletes James Magmuffin (swimming), Jodie Shoots (hockey) and Kim Muscle (javelin) as all three fell short of expectations.

Sports administrator James Busted said the letter T had harassed the athletes during the filming of a bank ad and destroyed their confidence.

"As I understand it the three were hanging out with the letters C, A and N when T, chubby and with a beard, came along and started planting seeds of doubt," he said.

"Friends of Magmuffin said the champion, known as the missile, was seen sitting in the corner before his big race saying over and over that he had been beaten before.

"And Jodie was carried from the field muttering incoherently about a goalkeeper the size of a block of flats."

The revelation sparked a strong community backlash against the letter T.

Children's program Sesame Street announced it would be pulling a program brought to you by the letter T in protest at the letter's antics.

Hollywood actor Mr T announced he would be changing his name to Mr Q.

Ordinary punter Trevor said he would in future refer to himself as "Revor".

"This may seem a little extreme but it has a nice Scooby Doo quality to it," he said.

Prime Minister Julia Gizzard said her government would leave no stone unturned in getting to the bottom of the T controversy.

"Naturally we can't just have letters of the alphabet running amok in bank ads," she said.

"History has taught us that this is the way total anarchy begins."

Opposition Leader Tony Abshot said he was proud of all of Australia's athletes, except perhaps the ones that didn't go very fast.

"This is just another attempt by the Prime Minister to divert attention from the real issues such as who will be in the Big Brother house and what their secrets are," he said.

A spokesman for the letter T said his client was upset at the allegations and would defend them rigorously.

"At this stage we intend to launch a counter claim that my client was harassed and assaulted during the filming of the bank ads," he said.

"I am advised that he was pushed over a cliff, trapped under a hockey goal and chased across the paddock with a spear. This is not very nice."

Thirsty Cow is fiction. Characters and situations are a product of our imagination.

 

>> To read more lifestyle stories

Topics:  humour, lifestyle, olympics, opinion, thirsty cow




Stay Connected

Update your news preferences and get the latest news delivered to your inbox.

Bronwyn Bancroft’s Colours of Australia

Artist Bronwyn Bancroftin front of one of her works in her exhibition at the Grafton Regional Gallery Colours of Australia.

Colourful Australia opened at the Grafton Regional Gallery.

It's time to bring out the winter woolies

Grafton's Clarence St shrouded in fog this morning. Photo was taken slightly after 8am.Photo Matthew McInerney / Daily Examiner

Cooler overnight temperatures here to stay

Pair paddles 60km to highlight depression

DETERMINED: Will Brighton and Todd Ives in Yamba during their 60km paddle from Woody Head to Wooli.

Will Brighton and Todd Ives share rewarding experience on the water

Latest deals and offers

Bronwyn Bancroft's Colours of Australia

Artist Bronwyn Bancroftin front of one of her works in her exhibition at the Grafton Regional Gallery Colours of Australia.

Artist Bronwyn Bancroft's exhibition Colours of Australia is introduced by her...

Malcolm Turnbull and Barnaby Joyce tour Rockhampton sweet potato farm

Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull and Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce visit a...

Men's Shed possum boxes

(back l-r) David Abrahams, Frank heppell, Warren Moss, Kevin Wtkins and (front) Darcy Knight with some of the possum boxes the Grafton Men's Shed are making for the new highway construction.

Grafton Men's Shed members have made 65 possum boxes for Eco Logical Australia to...

Perfect time to invest in Northern Rivers property

The Northern Rivers rental market is tighter than Sydney making it the perfect time for investors to get better returns out of property than superannuation or banks deposits.

Low interest rates and tight rental market are prime time to invest