THE Federal Government has launched an investigation into the letter T after it was blamed for Australia's lower-than-expected gold medal tally at the Olympics.
The letter was accused of messing with the heads of star athletes James Magmuffin (swimming), Jodie Shoots (hockey) and Kim Muscle (javelin) as all three fell short of expectations.
Sports administrator James Busted said the letter T had harassed the athletes during the filming of a bank ad and destroyed their confidence.
"As I understand it the three were hanging out with the letters C, A and N when T, chubby and with a beard, came along and started planting seeds of doubt," he said.
"Friends of Magmuffin said the champion, known as the missile, was seen sitting in the corner before his big race saying over and over that he had been beaten before.
"And Jodie was carried from the field muttering incoherently about a goalkeeper the size of a block of flats."
The revelation sparked a strong community backlash against the letter T.
Children's program Sesame Street announced it would be pulling a program brought to you by the letter T in protest at the letter's antics.
Hollywood actor Mr T announced he would be changing his name to Mr Q.
Ordinary punter Trevor said he would in future refer to himself as "Revor".
"This may seem a little extreme but it has a nice Scooby Doo quality to it," he said.
Prime Minister Julia Gizzard said her government would leave no stone unturned in getting to the bottom of the T controversy.
"Naturally we can't just have letters of the alphabet running amok in bank ads," she said.
"History has taught us that this is the way total anarchy begins."
Opposition Leader Tony Abshot said he was proud of all of Australia's athletes, except perhaps the ones that didn't go very fast.
"This is just another attempt by the Prime Minister to divert attention from the real issues such as who will be in the Big Brother house and what their secrets are," he said.
A spokesman for the letter T said his client was upset at the allegations and would defend them rigorously.
"At this stage we intend to launch a counter claim that my client was harassed and assaulted during the filming of the bank ads," he said.
"I am advised that he was pushed over a cliff, trapped under a hockey goal and chased across the paddock with a spear. This is not very nice."
Thirsty Cow is fiction. Characters and situations are a product of our imagination.
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