ONLY two political conundrums are truly worthy of these sacred column inches this week.
In the United States, all eyes are fixed on the Big Don to see if he can overcomb the Ted Cruz-shaped thorn in his side and pilot the Republican Party to a resounding defeat.
But the big question for Australia is whether our home-grown aspiring terrier terminator will be acting prime minister when Malcolm Turnbull skedaddles away for overseas jaunts.
I must admit, lumping Barnaby Joyce together with the GOP's hair apparent Donald Trump is an unreasonable and downright brutish slight on our wannabe deputy head honcho's character.
But let's just march blindly ahead regardless in the name of blood sport and a shameless guffaw.
What can Barnaby and Trump learn from each other?
Hot Tip One: Throw your wig in the ring with a politically bonkers firebrand.
The certifiable Sarah Palin has endorsed Trump in inimitable style, twitching and hollering about her followers being "right wingin', bitter clingin', proud clinger of our guns, our gods, our religions and our Constitution".
No word on whether her endorsement has helped or hindered the blustering billionaire's prospects, but still worth consideration.
If only the National Party could convince Pauline Hanson to finally throw in One Nation's towel and shriek a few megaphone slogans for old Barnaboid.
Suggestion Two: Roll out more gaffes than a spool of sticky tape.
Publicly labelling Mexican immigrants "criminals and rapists" did not seem to hurt Trump's popularity among the extreme white swamp-dwellers who presumably make up his core support group.
Nor did saying he would build a 3000km wall from California to Texas and send the bill to Mexico.
Decidedly un-presidential conduct has become a hallmark of the windswept drongo's entire campaign, yet he still leads the polls.
He called an editor "unattractive both inside and out", adding that he "fully understood why her former husband left her for a man", and once proudly boasted "the beauty of me is that I'm very rich".
A personal favourite?
"My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body."
Barnaboid has slugged us with a smattering of fairly outrageous comments, but Queensland's good old boy needs to ramp it up if he wants to take the Trump route to party supremacy.
Slice of Advice Three: The tables turn.
In a cruel twist of irony considering his tendency to botch numbers, Joyce's parents supposedly chose his recognisable moniker in tribute to their favourite comic strip as university students: Barnaby the Mathematical Genius.
He famously stumbled over his calculations in 2010 when he mixed up billions with trillions and claimed Australia could easily default on its debts.
So maybe Trump, so proud of his $4 billion fortune, could use an Aussie spruiker on his team to talk up his finances even more on the campaign trail.
Great Guidance Four: Time to kill as many celebrity pets as possible.
The prospective Nationals leader got the most press of his enviably public career when he said he would knock off Johnny Depp's illegally imported dogs unless they pinged off quick-smart.
You cannot buy that kind of publicity.
Not that money is an issue for the Republican frontrunner, but he should definitely threaten to eat Russell Crowe's pet weasel next time he strolls the Hollywood red carpet.
- APN NEWSDESK
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