Opinion

Strange Politics: Trading tips with Barnaby and Trump

Barnaby Joyce and Donald Trump: What can they teach each other? Photo Digitally altered
Barnaby Joyce and Donald Trump: What can they teach each other? Photo Digitally altered Digitally altered

ONLY two political conundrums are truly worthy of these sacred column inches this week.

In the United States, all eyes are fixed on the Big Don to see if he can overcomb the Ted Cruz-shaped thorn in his side and pilot the Republican Party to a resounding defeat.

But the big question for Australia is whether our home-grown aspiring terrier terminator will be acting prime minister when Malcolm Turnbull skedaddles away for overseas jaunts.

I must admit, lumping Barnaby Joyce together with the GOP's hair apparent Donald Trump is an unreasonable and downright brutish slight on our wannabe deputy head honcho's character.

But let's just march blindly ahead regardless in the name of blood sport and a shameless guffaw.

What can Barnaby and Trump learn from each other?

Hot Tip One: Throw your wig in the ring with a politically bonkers firebrand.

The certifiable Sarah Palin has endorsed Trump in inimitable style, twitching and hollering about her followers being "right wingin', bitter clingin', proud clinger of our guns, our gods, our religions and our Constitution".

No word on whether her endorsement has helped or hindered the blustering billionaire's prospects, but still worth consideration.

If only the National Party could convince Pauline Hanson to finally throw in One Nation's towel and shriek a few megaphone slogans for old Barnaboid.

Suggestion Two: Roll out more gaffes than a spool of sticky tape.

Publicly labelling Mexican immigrants "criminals and rapists" did not seem to hurt Trump's popularity among the extreme white swamp-dwellers who presumably make up his core support group.

Nor did saying he would build a 3000km wall from California to Texas and send the bill to Mexico.

Decidedly un-presidential conduct has become a hallmark of the windswept drongo's entire campaign, yet he still leads the polls.

He called an editor "unattractive both inside and out", adding that he "fully understood why her former husband left her for a man", and once proudly boasted "the beauty of me is that I'm very rich".

A personal favourite?

"My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body."

Ewwww.

Donald Trump’s might have the world’s most famous combover, but Barnaby Joyce, pictured in a Woolgoolga blueberry processing plant with Cowper MP Luke Hartsuyker, isn’t afraid to wear an unusual look up top.
Donald Trump’s might have the world’s most famous combover, but Barnaby Joyce, pictured in a Woolgoolga blueberry processing plant with Cowper MP Luke Hartsuyker, isn’t afraid to wear an unusual look up top. Trevor Veale

Barnaboid has slugged us with a smattering of fairly outrageous comments, but Queensland's good old boy needs to ramp it up if he wants to take the Trump route to party supremacy.

Slice of Advice Three: The tables turn.

In a cruel twist of irony considering his tendency to botch numbers, Joyce's parents supposedly chose his recognisable moniker in tribute to their favourite comic strip as university students: Barnaby the Mathematical Genius.

He famously stumbled over his calculations in 2010 when he mixed up billions with trillions and claimed Australia could easily default on its debts.

So maybe Trump, so proud of his $4 billion fortune, could use an Aussie spruiker on his team to talk up his finances even more on the campaign trail.

Great Guidance Four: Time to kill as many celebrity pets as possible.

The prospective Nationals leader got the most press of his enviably public career when he said he would knock off Johnny Depp's illegally imported dogs unless they pinged off quick-smart.

You cannot buy that kind of publicity.

Not that money is an issue for the Republican frontrunner, but he should definitely threaten to eat Russell Crowe's pet weasel next time he strolls the Hollywood red carpet.

- APN NEWSDESK




Join the Community.

Get your local news, your way.

Stay Connected

Update your news preferences and get the latest news delivered to your inbox.

‘We’ve found him’: A Current Affair tracks down Attwater

The DAVIS and DALEY family members attended Nine Mile Beach on Saturday 2 April 2011 and erected a cross in the memory of Lynette "Norma" DALEY.

"Get your story f**king straight mate. No one left anyone."

Appeal for information over Iluka child approach

Generic polic sign Photo Contributed

Girl riding scooter on Long St, Iluka, approached by man

60 years of drive behind them

A doff of the hat from Kevin and Joyce Brooks as they prepare to take off in their 1914 Humberette veteran car.

A Veteran car club visited the Clarence Valley this week.

Latest deals and offers

Schools rally behind Gonski

Staff from Grafton Public and High School, Westlawn Public School and Induna School joined community members at Grafton Public School to hear from the President of the Australian Education Union Correna Haythrope talk about Gonski.

Teachers, principals and community members met at Grafton Public School this...

How to peel a potato fast

There is a fast way to peel potatoes.

You've been doing it wrong all this time.

Johnny Depp thinks Barnaby Joyce is inbred with a tomato.

Johnny Depp on Jimmy Kimmel Live.

Johnny Depp explains his apology video on Jimmy Kimmel Live.

Perfect time to invest in Northern Rivers property

The Northern Rivers rental market is tighter than Sydney making it the perfect time for investors to get better returns out of property than superannuation or banks deposits.

Low interest rates and tight rental market are prime time to invest