YOUR STORY: A letter to my drug addicted husband
To my husband
I am a broken person.
I am tired of making excuses and pretending everything is fine. I am tired of holding this family together. I am tired of your reactions, your moods, your erupting anger.
I am tired of explaining to the kids why you don't come and eat dinner with us or why your eyes are red or why you haven't slept for days or why you're acting funny or weird.
I am so tired of your drug use. I am just so tired of being tired because you've kept me up all night accusing me of things.
I am tired of keeping this pain that I feel inside to myself. Living like everything is happy families every day when everything is in turmoil.
You need to fix the damage you've done. You need to try. You need to show me you want this family.
This family loves you unconditionally. Your drug use has broken my heart; it will break the kids hearts.
You lie to me, you accuse me, you torment me, you yell, you get so angry, you're sick, is the real you even there any more? Are you willing to lose me and the kids?
Drug addiction, it's like one of the evil villains in a movie who takes over a nice person's body, in the movies the nice person always fights through and wins the battle to rid themselves of the evil villain…..why can't you do that?
How do you think the kids are going to react when you end up in the hospital or what if the kids find you with a needle in your arm, because of this damn drug?
How do you think I'll react? I wonder where your mind is at, and how it gets there. I can't even imagine how a drug can make you think such ridiculous things and how it makes the paranoia a reality to you.
I'll never know, and I'll never understand. You leave me feeling on edge, walking around on egg shells, I am defensive and I lack trust in you, I constantly feel I have to justify myself. How is this fair?
Why do I have to feel like this. This isn't me. You know the feelings you get from this drug are a lie, it's all fake, it turns you into a fake person, it's manufactured and you still want it.
I think what your doing is a very selfish thing. How can you do this to us? What makes your addiction so important?
Why are you able to escape with your drug use? Why is it okay for you to get "on it" and check out for a day or two or three or even four to escape and leave me to carry on like nothing is wrong? Why is that OK?
Why do I even have to deal with any of this. I never asked for this life, it's not what I had planned. I have to go through life drug free and survive it, you need to learn to get over it and move forward, never dwell on things.
I am just so devastated. I don't even know where to begin and what to do, why is it me that has to feel like this? Do you even care that I feel like this ?
I just can't keep on doing this week in week out.
Where is my hubby who loves me, adores me, cherishes me, would walk the ends of the earth for me, dote on me, care for me when I'm ill and shares the load with me.
Instead I have a hubby who accuses me of things, that only exist in your head, what happened to the man I married.
Where did it go wrong, where did he go. Everything is so tense. You know I do, I do love you so very very much, I want you to get better, I want to go back to how we were.
I wish I could wake up and it was all just a bad dream.
I hate this drug, I hate it, I hate it with all the hate I have in me, If I could make every drug dealer disappear I would, they are killing people, innocent people, they are breaking up families and ruining good people all for what, a few extra bucks.
Why do people do this to other people? What gives them the right to ruin people's lives, my life. I hate what this drug has done, what it has turned us into, this family into.
I do love you so very much, you're my world. Your smile lights up the dullest of rooms when you are you. Your whole face just smiles, it's the most gorgeous smile I know.
I am really deflated, I'm in a constant battle, I don't even know who I am any more.
I am upset that I've had to give up on my happily ever after to live through this life. I deserve better from you. We had the potential for the real life love story, for a healthy happy family.
If you got help now, and stayed clean, would there be hope for us?
- Your Wife