The Bachelor Australia: Awful joke leaves Matty stunned
ONE hopeful on The Bachelor has been dumped after orchestrating an excruciating confrontation with Matty J that left everyone's mouths agape.
I love using the word "agape", but only save it for truly worthy moments such as this.
Like someone you've chatted to once on a dating app, Sharlene's built up a non-existent relationship with Matty in her head and she's gone absolutely nutso. And it all ends with Matty having to dump her prematurely after she initiates a car-crash encounter.
"It hurts my soul," Jen notes, wincing at the awkwardness from afar.
"HOLD THE BUS!" another lady yells, shocked and unaware she's just given me my new favourite catchphrase.
But more on the embarrassment soon.
In the opening scenes of Thursday night's episode, the girls are looking relaxed. Their shoulders have eased back down and they sip their morning coffee in the backyard of the mansion.
The warm sunlight flickers through the palm leaves over their faces. Strings of a guitar are lightly plucked in the background and the girls talk in soft, calm voices.
"I'm glad Leah's gone," one of the girls says, both hands wrapped around an oversized mug which she holds up to her face. The warm porcelain feels pleasant against her cheek.
The others don't say anything, but they don't have to.
They smile and silently thank the universe and Channel Ten producers for making Matty flick Leah out of the competition last night.
But nothing's ever perfect.
When news is received that Elora has scored a single date, Jen is irate.
"I'm absolutely disgusted. You've got amazing women here who haven't had a single date. And you're taking Elora, scum of the earth, on a second date?" she scowls.
Elora-Scum-Of-The-Earth meets Matty in a rainforest for their date where they lie in the mud by a creek and I'm really concerned that these beautiful white sham cushions from Adairs are going to get stained and it makes this date incredibly stressful.
Later on, Matty pulls on a shawl-neck knit cardigan and they sit around a fire drinking wine. It gets late and apparently they're too far out of town to get home and Uber is surging.
So they stay the night in the woods where Elora tries to lure Matty into her cabin. He says no and she says she was totally just kidding and we all know she wasn't.
At sunrise, we're woken by the sounds of the other ladies being choppered into the mountains for a group date.
After the severely underwhelming Bachelor Board Game (trademarked) a few weeks ago, producers have decided to replicate the failure with a Bachelor Obstacle Course that also involves pit stops where the girls have to correctly answer
questions about Matty in order to continue.
Florence doesn't have time for this rubbish and hatches a genius plan. She decides rules are for chumps and cheats her way to the finish line. While the other bozos are playing by the rules and losing, Florence just keeps moving through the course even thought she gets all the questions wrong. She wins and there are no consequences.
I fully endorse this kind of behaviour and I think Florence should be given both Matty and a crown for showing such initiative.
As night falls and we chill on the patio at the cocktail party, Sharlene starts to annoy all of us. She won't stop crapping on to anyone who'll listen about how Matty hasn't spent time with her and how he probably doesn't even know her name. And you know what Sharon? Sorry, Sharlene. He probably doesn't know your name.
She pledges she will attack Matty as soon as he walks in tonight and trap him in a conversation whether he likes it or not.
But girlfriend is all talk.
When Matty arrives, she doesn't talk to him at all and instead hides behind a pot plant.
Eventually, Jen yells at Sharlene for being annoying and then 90 minutes later Sharlene decides it's time for her big moment.
Sharlene has one final panic attack and spirals as she tries to think of the perfect opening line.
But all of a sudden, Sharlene becomes rather confident and marches from the patio to the backyard in her floral jumpsuit to confront Matty, who's mid-conversation with Jen.
Sharlene stares at Matty. Matty stares back. Jen rolls her eyes.
And then comes the opening line Sharlene has been workshopping.
"Hi how are you? I'm actually one of the bachelorettes - I'm not the external caterer," she says sharply.
Sharlene's big opening line is meant to be lighthearted and funny but the bitterness acquired after weeks of being ignored sears through.
It lands with a thud and is met with stunned silence from Matty.
She continues: "But I would love to speak to you when you're free."
Matty is speechless.
"Sure," he says, about to get up from his chair to join her.
But before he can, she marches off.
Matty is confused. "Do ... did you want to go now? Or ..."
Sharlene settles down with Matty on the bench and begins to frantically rattle off her resentments disguised as innocent concerns. And then she demands to know his feelings for her ASAP.
Sharlene is the kind of person you match with on a dating app but, after meeting them for a quick drink, you decide there's no chemistry so stop all communication. There's definitely nothing there and that's OK. Ending the communication all together is an easy way to passively show you're not interested.
But people like Sharlene don't understand this social cue. Instead, they persist to text and call. If they know your last name they might even contact your mum. And then, late at night, they'll ping you on Facebook messenger and question why you haven't replied.
"I KNOW YOU'RE ONLINE I CAN SEE THE GREEN DOT!," one message may read.
Matty quickly realises Sharlene falls into this demographic and tries his best to be diplomatic.
"I can tell how frustrated you are right now. And I can tell how much it's hurting you. Knowing you want an answer about where I'm at ... I don't wanna waste anyone's time ..."
We all know where this is going. Sharlene wells up.
Matty's frustrated he's been put on the spot. Sharlene requested honest answers and she's about to get them.
"I think what we have is lovely. But is that going to proceed and evolve into being a romantic connection? In my eyes?
Unfortunately, I don't think it is," he tells her.
Sharlene's mouth falls agape.
"Yeah ... I'm ... thanks. Thanks. Thanks," she awkwardly fumbles, trying overly hard to be indignant.
She walks down a stone step in the garden before turning around and to death stare Matty. The flood light attached to the mansion guttering illuminates her face.
"Um ... yeah," she concludes.
Sharlene then marches back down to the patio in her jumpsuit and informs the girls of a very big lie: "I've decided to leave."
I never understand when, after being explicitly dumped, the girls feel like they can lie to us and calmly explain they've "decided" to leave. Bitch there's seven cameras I saw you get dumped.
"HOLD THE BUS!" someone yells, and I'm certain this isn't an actual expression.
As she waits out in the driveway to be picked up, Sharlene starts to comfort herself by grasping at even the smallest of differences that could've roadblocked her non-existent relationship with Matty.
"There's so many things that don't match up with Matty's life and mine. I mean, he doesn't like pugs. And I've got a gorgeous little pug," she offers. He doesn't really train in martial arts and that's such a big thing for me. He doesn't like musical theatre and I'm in a musical theatre production every season, it's a big part of my life."
Ah man. Matty's missing out on all that community theatre. Spewing.
Given we've already had to cancel TWO rose ceremonies within the first four weeks of the competition, producers have told Matty Thursday night's absolutely needs to go ahead as planned.
And, as initially decided, two women need to be sent home and Sharlene isn't included in that quota. Her departure was just a fun bonus.
So Alix and Steph are told to hit the road.
And with three women leaving the mansion, it was very convenient someone had the foresight to hold the bus.
For more observations on buses and Adairs, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir