The Bachelorette Sophie caught in jealous battle
TWO men are engaged in a jealous battle over Sophie Monk on The Bachelorette that's become so embarrassing she's decided to keep them in the competition just to see what other humiliating things they'll do.
It's just like that footage doing the rounds of two male pythons wrestling to impress the female snake only Jarrod and Sam are less masculine and have funny haircuts.
Honestly, the whole situations puts both us and Sophie in a weird position. Both Jarrod and Sam are embarrassing and won't win this thing - but we all kind of want to see how far they'll go because we're mean and have nothing else to do.
In the opening scenes of Wednesday night's episode, Sam is still crapping on about his "double delight" that hasn't come yet. To get you up to speed, a double delight is what I did with that German couple during Mardi Gras week. I'm not entirely sure how Sophie and Sam's version will play out but we're all eager to find out.
Anyway, Luke scores the single date and Sam has questions.
"Why is it taking so long for me to go on a date?" he inquires.
"Because of your hair," we reply.
As they hit the beach for their date, Sophie decides to catch Luke off-guard and goes full on Leigh Sales with her line of questioning.
"What age did you lose your virginity?" she asks.
Luke looks shocked. Maybe it's because of the question. Or maybe it's just because he has Sophie's cropped denim jacket caped over his shoulders and he feels like an idiot.
He confides in us that he was 17 and it was with a girl who was "25 or 26" and before we even have a chance to look up the legalities of that potential crime, Sophie strips down to do her own version of Tash Oakley's "Bikini A Day" project.
Later, they head up to the deck for the evening and their hair has that natural beachy look without having to use an F-tonne of that sea salt spray my hairdresser is always trying to sell me.
Suddenly, Luke gets a bit intense. Not Jarrod-style intense - his face isn't that pink. But enough to leave us all startled.
"I know it's very early days ... we've only spent a day together and we've chatted a few times. But do you feel something here?" he asks.
Sophie is stunned and doesn't know how to respond. So she pretends to chew cheese for a really long time.
To end the awkwardness, she gives him and rose and he goes in for a kiss which ends when she starts giggling mid-pash.
Back at the mansion, names for the group date are read out and Jarrod's craziness continues to fly above and beyond
"Dammit. Sam's on the date card. This means I have to be there to take charge and look after her," he says, even though he absolutely doesn't because this relationship is only in his head.
Sophie knows full well these group dates get boring quickly - and she's not going to let Osher do any more of those crappy games he was making up during the Matty J series a few weeks ago. So she takes matters into her own hands, staging a covert operation and roping in her parents who go undercover as nosy Uber drivers and take the boys to the date.
Of course, someone goes and talks about bangin' in front of dad.
"You can't be in love after one second. You can be in LUST. You know the difference between love and lust? Lust is you want to BANG EM," Sam informs the car, palming his five long strands of hair away from his face and tangling them back around his skull.
Sophie's dad can't deal and gives Sam the same look my dad gives random kids on skateboards in carparks.
At the group date, Sophie's sister puts on a hideous braided leather vest and goes undercover as my year 10 art teacher. She instructs all the boys to draw a tree and some other rubbish and then she analyses it.
Out of all the boys, we learn the most about Ryan. His painting tells us he's got the moodiness of a guy who likes to ram-raid ATMs with his car and the hesitation of a man who has mum issues that leave him struggling to commit.
The best of a bad bunch, he scores private time with Sophie and he promptly ruins everything by detailing his relationship requirements that are as restricting as his really big scarf.
"I like someone who takes good care of themself ... physically," he informs Sophie.
His other expectations? His woman must always be stylish and never swear.
"Shit. I'm f*ckin' screwed," Sophie tells us, only she mimes the swear words so as not to offend Ryan.
Still, Ryan thinks he's nailed this and tries to kiss her. She freaks out, frantically pecks him slightly and ends the whole date by blurting "OK" and standing up.
Please write this method down as an effective way to get out of future interactions both romantic and work related.
Later, at the cocktail party, Jarrod's jealousy turns into nastiness and he gets all up in arms.
As Sam tries to have a private chat with Sophie, Jarrod stands back and bitches about him to some random whose name we don't know.
"I look at Sam and I think, 'You know what? You're still growing your hair long, you've got bum fluff on your chin'," he teases.
He then mimics Sam's voice like an annoying sibling.
The whole thing is uncomfortable to watch. And while all that stuff about Sam's hair and chin and voice are totally true, only we're allowed to say that behind his back while sitting on the couch eating TeeVee Snacks. It's called being classy.
"She's not after a child - she wants to have children. Not be with a child. Sam's 34. I'm 31. He's a f*ckin' child," he says.
Across the grounds, Sam thanks Sophie for the double delight she gifted him last week and inquires if he can get an ETA on the German couple. But it seems Sophie might retract the double delight. She slaps him down for talking about her "cans" on last week's photoshoot. She also mimics his voice and makes him sound stupid. When Jarrod did this it was mean, but when Sophie does it it's genius.
Afterwards, Jarrod embarrasses himself further by pulling Sam aside to detail his bizarrely strong feelings for Sophie.
"You don't understand - if I fall for a girl, I'm a bull at the gate. I'm through that fence. I want to break down that electric fence. So if guys are there and they're the gate, I will try and get my way through," he says in total seriousness.
It's so humiliating to witness Sam closes his eyes because if he keeps looking at Jarrod he'll just start laughing.
The whole stand-off between Jarrod and Sam puts us in a weird position. We don't like either of them and they're both embarrassing - but the fact they both annoy each other is enthralling.
Sophie feels the same way.
At the rose ceremony, we're told three boys will be going home - and Jarrod's convinced Sam is one of them.
"I'm confident I will get a rose before Sam," Jarrod snips.
"Sam," Sophie calls out, holding back laughter at Jarrod's torment.
But then Sam pulls this face and it agitates us so much we wonder if it was worth keeping in just to annoy Jarrod.
Of course, Sophie also keep Jarrod because we're dying to hear more about bulls and fences.
Left with one rose, we cut to the remaining boys to see who will get it and, honestly, none of us would really care if all four went home.
The one with the bleached fringe stays.
For more observations on caped denim jackets and German couples, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir