Lifestyle of the famous bodyguard
IF my rap career doesn't end up taking off (although it will), I wouldn't mind becoming a celebrity bodyguard.
All the glitz and glamour of the celebrity lifestyle without having to have any musical or acting talent.
All you'd need to be able to do is say "sorry, no autographs" and walk around wearing sunglasses and looking tough while accompanying your star of choice on their crazy drug-fuelled celebrity adventures.
If you don't count the long hours, being on-call 24 hours a day, the requirement to remain silent at nearly all times, your demanding clients, spending hours waiting around doing nothing, dealing with paparazzi, dealing with crazy fans, complete lack of personal life and knowing you're not the celebrity then it's pretty much a perfect job.
It's not just hanging out with celebrities and living the celebrity lifestyle that's appealing, many bodyguards have been known to end up sleeping with their famous client.
This would probably be a negative if you were the bodyguard for Peter Jackson or that guy who plays Hurley in Lost, but it's a risk you take in the industry.
Of course, as a famous celebrity, choosing the right bodyguard is important.
The Rolling Stones won a few cool points for getting the biker gang Hells Angels for security for one of their concerts.
They also lost a few cool points for having 800 people injured and four people die during the course of the show.
You'd think the least cool points would go for the bodyguards who work with Justin Bieber.
Some bodyguards get to work with royalty, presidents, dictators and rulers.
Others get to work for a singer who just made it through puberty.
But the truth is, as Bieber's bodyguard, you'll be constantly dealing with the biggest and scariest threat of all - hordes of 14-year-old fan girls.
It's a job for only the manliest of men.
Although I guess I have a lot less respect for the poor bodyguards who have been hired to protect Justin Bieber's hair.
A lock of Justin's hair, which was sold for $40,000 during an eBay charity auction, is currently on display in an American bowling alley under watchful protection from not one, but two bodyguards.
When you find yourself standing guard in a bowling alley protecting a lock of hair cut off someone half your age, it's easy to wonder if something went wrong in life.
Part of me is hoping the bodyguards aren't protecting the hair from being stolen, they're making sure the hair doesn't come to life, smash its way through the glass box and terrorise nearby citizens.
Apparently Bieber-fevered fans have been queuing up for hours for the opportunity to have their photo taken with the popstar's former locks.
While starving Africans dig through rubbish dumps just to earn enough money to eat, American teenage girls are paying money to have their photo taken with a bit of hair.
Culture Sparrow is a weekly humour column by Callum Johnson.