Social media and the second coming

IF YOU'RE a high-profile celebrity, good luck doing anything in secret.

Twitter, Facebook and gossip sites will have any of your indiscretions sent around the world faster than you can say I honestly didn't know that was illegal?

Evangelist Franklin Graham went one further and said when Jesus returns again, it won't be with the trumpets of angels and light booming from the heavens but with billions of tweets, Facebook posts and hand-held camera footage of the second coming uploaded onto YouTube.

"The Bible says that every eye is going to see (the Second Coming). How is the whole world going to see (Jesus Christ) all at one time?" Mr Graham said.

"I don't know, unless all of a sudden everybody's taking pictures and it's on the media worldwide. Social media could have a big part in that."

Everybody's got their phone up and everybody's taking recordings and posting it on YouTube and whatever and sending it to you, and it gets shown around the world.

Most of my spare time is taken up with two things - Facebook and breathing, but I've never thought of the impact social media will have on the Second Coming.

Knowing the internet, they'll manage to run the topic into the ground and half the internet will be sick of hearing about it by the next day.

Either that or the internet will get bored of it quickly and go back to posting pictures of cats with misspelled captions and Chuck Norris jokes.

Jesus will most likely deliver his final message to humanity, only to have someone auto-tune his voice and add a catchy tune behind it.

Anything he touches will be quickly sold on eBay for record prices.

I mean, a cheese sandwich that kinda looked the Virgin Mary sold on eBay for $28,000 and Justin Bieber's hair was sold for over $40,000.

Imagine how much more something belonging to the Big-J himself would go for?

Jesus is also the only person who could edit Wikipedia and have no one question him, even when he adds "is a big stupid dumb-face" to the article for Judas Iscariot.

I'm wondering if he'll need a booking agent and go on a Salvation World Tour or something (charging extra for backstage passes, of course) or if he'd just address the entire world at once.

Honestly, he could probably get a lot more ticket sales with the former.

Maybe Jesus could consider headlining a future Big Day Out alongside Radiohead or something?

It all seems a bit silly, but sometimes even the King of Kings needs a bit of internet buzz to get his career going again.

Things have changed a lot in the last 2000 years and Franklin Graham has a point- managing to not be talked about on the internet is a pretty impossible feat, even for the Son of God.

At least now when people yell at me for sneakily checking my Facebook on my phone during a conversation I can tell them I'm not being rude, I'm simply checking to see if the Apocalypse has happened yet.

Culture Sparrow is a weekly humour column by Callum Johnson.

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