MAX CRUS: Not happy, Karen
Listen Karen, you think you're hard done by now, specially after enjoying the warm glow of most popular name on the planet (well, except in Europe, Africa, South America and Asia) for three years running back in the 60s, but just spare a thought for some other names who've been copping it for years, and furthermore, you've obviously brought it on your self-entitled self, so suck it up.
Not happy Jan? Yeah, see? How do the Jan's of the world feel about having their name associated with anger or displeasure?
Karen could have been Sharon, abbreviated to Shazza and Shaz since you were brought home from hospital to become the butt of blonde, hairdresser, and bogan jokes for your entire life, immortalised and immoralised on countless TV shows.
Even Kylies have copped more than you have Karen. Up until now, your's was just a boring blanket Aussie name, almost but not quite encapsulating the sheila-dom of Australian culture, a gauntlet that was unknowingly and unwittingly pinched from Sheila by Kylie from which point onwards no child has been named thus.
A similar thing happened to Alec early in the 20th century. What parent wanted to subject their son to a life of ridicule by being branded smart when they weren't or a smart-arse when they were.
What good associations has there ever been for Trevor? Another name lampooned within an inch of its life for being not the full quid no matter how intelligent and copping a double whammy if they were also a smart Alec.
At least Nigel has some measure of respectability now that nerds have street cred, but how could any Nigel ever overcome the ignominy of being forever associated with leather elbow patches and, well, being generally dull as we know most Nigels can be.
You should be grateful, Karen, that you weren't called Simon. A lifetime of simpleton jokes and corny references to 'Simon says' which no-one ever abided thus rendering the saying the opposite. Worst of all fancy having a name that the best the writers of Get Smart could come up with as a moniker was 'Simon The Likeable'.
Who wants to be liked, Karen?
No, Karen take a chill pill or a stiff drink, get off your popular pedestal and join the rest of us.
Here's a few suggestions.
Tim Adams Clare Valley 'Schaefer' Shiraz, 2014, $40. Count yourself lucky, Karen, there's more ways to spell Schaefer than there are Schaefers, though they do have a lovely wine named after them, haha. 9.4/10.
Tim Adams Clare Valley 'Ladera' Tempranillo 2016, $40. Tempranillo is like a child with a quirky name, many avoid it without giving it a chance, much as we will Karens for a while. 9.1/10.
Crittenden Estate Mornington Peninsula Pinocchio Prosecco, NV, $26. This is more your Karen sort of gear, but one that Michaels and Mary's and Julians and Juanitas might like too. 9/10.
Crittenden Estate Mornington Peninsula Geppetto Shiraz 2019, $26. Everyone remembers Pinocchio but who remembers his creator? Delightfully spicy, sophisticated, characterful shiraz, completely unsuitable for Karens and Sharons. 9.4/10.
Cassegrain (Canberra District) Edition Noir Riesling 2019, $30. Cassegrain have spread their wings and grape pickers and headed to the capital for the first time. Jolly. 9.3/10.
Cassegrain Edition Noir Pinot Vierge 2019, $33. Very pinot gris, but something else too, pinot noir as it happens, an exotic and unique blend. Clever and lovely, like a Simon, but should be in a clear bottle so you can see it's actually a rosé … by any other name. 9.2/10.