There are many (traffic) signs that tell us how we’re aging, writes Max Crus.
There are many (traffic) signs that tell us how we’re aging, writes Max Crus.

MAX CRUS: Old man (d) river

There are many signs that one is ageing, getting on in years, over the hill, passed the middle of ages and entered the twilight zone, not least realising just how many ways there are to describe getting old.

In our culture there’s more terms for ageing than indigenous peoples of the arctic have for snow, and there are vastly more ways to tell if someone is getting old beyond just hearing some young whippersnapper pointing out the grey, wrinkly decrepitude.

Take roundabouts. Even if the driver in front has high bucket seats, a filthy back windscreen and isn’t wearing a hat, you can tell their age to within three years by how long it takes them to negotiate a roundabout.

If they slow and appear to be considering the traffic situation but drive straight through and indicate correctly, they are under 25 and/or have just got their licence and haven’t yet begun to adopt the terrible habits of their parents.

If a driver slows, considers the traffic, and continues through without killing someone or cutting anyone off, but doesn’t bother indicating on exit they are probably over 25 but under 60.

If a driver stops, looks both ways regardless of other traffic they are likely between 65 and 80.

If a driver stops but then rolls on until they block half a lane of the roundabout before reversing into the young whippersnapper behind who thinks they have taken off, the driver is probably between 80 and 95.

If a driver does not stop or even slow down at a roundabout, uses no indication and uses every lane in doing so, the driver is undoubtedly over 95, but their innings is clearly coming to an end … soon.

Or they are from Queensland?

However there is an even better way to tell if someone is horologically well endowed, but we’ve run out of space.

So stay tuned for next week’s conclusive, riveting expose on signs of ageing.

Meanwhile, you don’t want to die with money in the bank or wine in the cellar so why not clear the decks in readiness and get rid of these if you’ve got them:

Petaluma Coonawarra Evans Vineyard (Cabernet Sauvignon Merlot) 2015, $77.

As befitting its price-tag, this is classy stuff, abundantly apparent from the first sniff and sip. It feels very much as if someone has taken care at all stages of the making. 9.6/10.

Petaluma Coonawarra Evans Vineyard (Cabernet Sauvignon Merlot) 2015
Petaluma Coonawarra Evans Vineyard (Cabernet Sauvignon Merlot) 2015

Petaluma Piccadilly Valley Chardonnay 2019, $54.
Like it’s Coonawarra brother, this tastes as if someone has gone to a lot of trouble in its upbringing. Classy and approachable indeed inviting and hard to put down. 9.5/10.

Petaluma Piccadilly Valley Chardonnay 2019
Petaluma Piccadilly Valley Chardonnay 2019

Fat’n Skinny Fleurieu Peninsula Pinot Grigio 2019, $22.
Ah, who doesn’t remember the Fat’n Skinny jokes at school? Umm, okay, I guess that ‘s another sign of ageing. Annoyingly I can’t remember any punchlines … is that another sign? 8.9/10.

Fat'n Skinny Fleurieu McLaren Vale 'Forgotten Rosé' 2019
Fat'n Skinny Fleurieu McLaren Vale 'Forgotten Rosé' 2019

Fat’n Skinny Fleurieu McLaren Vale ‘Forgotten Rosé’ 2019, $22.
How appropriate, the forgotten rosé? The colour is amazing and amazingly similar to the label and capsule which is surely not a coincidence. See if you can remember this at the bottlo next time. 9.1/10.

Fat'n Skinny Fleurieu Peninsula Pinot Grigio 2019
Fat'n Skinny Fleurieu Peninsula Pinot Grigio 2019

Montrose Mudgee Black Shiraz 2018, $35.
Thick and rich is a term usually reserved for English members of the House of Lords, but every now and then it is put to a much better use such as this. 9.3/10.

Montrose Mudgee Black Shiraz 2018
Montrose Mudgee Black Shiraz 2018

Montrose Mudgee Stony Creek Chardonnay 2017, $23.

Maybe this was lost in the cellar for a while, that’s oldish for a chardonnay, but let’s not be ageist, let’s be grateful. 9.1/10.

Montrose Mudgee Stony Creek Chardonnay 2017
Montrose Mudgee Stony Creek Chardonnay 2017


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