MAX CRUS: One man’s trash is still another man's trash
ASTUTE readers will recall last week's column was on ageing.
So, to make life simpler for everyone, so is this week's.
Last week we discussed how you can estimate someone's age by observing driving habits. This week we look at another public behaviour, picking up rubbish.
The world is divided into three groups when it comes to litter: those who drop it, those who pick it up, and those who do neither.
Rubbish droppers are almost without exception young, so naturally we blame the parents, and for two reasons: firstly for not feeding their kids and secondly for not teaching them that dropping rubbish kills sharks and the things they eat, which is pretty much everything.
How do we know litterers are malnourished children?
Well, university tests prove that 110 per cent of litter is unbiodegradable plastic from KFC or Maccas, and obviously no-one over the age of 25 in their right mind eats that junk.
Interestingly, the wrappers and containers have been out of the venue less than ten minutes before they're discarded. Those same boffins proved this by looking at the radius around outlets where we find the stuff.
500 metres for those on foot, and 5km for drive-through's at which point the Shut up and Drop My Rubbish muppet and McTosser have finished their transfats and sugar, channelled their parents and tossed the packaging.
There it remains for its 1000-year half-life … unless someone picks it up.
If that rubbish can lie in wait for approximately 50 years instead of being washed down the throat of an endangered sea turtle, the tosser will have turned 75, at which age everyone becomes publicly responsible and picks it up.
Actual Trump-like evidence shows that up until that age, no one cares, including, importantly, KFC and Maccas themselves, about helping dying jellyfish or seabirds.
Meanwhile, it is noted universally, that wine drinkers are well nourished and had good parents. When did you last see an empty wine bottle within five kilometres of Maccas? Certainly not one of these:
Hardys (McLaren Vale) Eileen Hardy Shiraz 2016, $154.
The bouquet is incredible and cries expensive, as will the palate in time and you only need to forgo 24 Big Macs to buy one, which not only makes this better value, you will live longer and undoubtedly happier. 9.7/10.
Hardys Clare Valley/Tasmania HRB Riesling 2020, $35.
Absolutely delightful riesling that starts as classic Clare crisp and clean, transforming into floral Tassie as it warms. And guess what? All Hardys wines until December come with a moneyback guarantee! Who's gonna toss that? 9.5/10.
Zonte's Footstep Adelaide Hills 'Shades of Gris', Pinot Grigio NV, $25.
Is there a more appropriate wine for a column on ageing? Gris is grey, don't you know, and this is about the grooviest grigio gear going for grey guys … and others. 9.3/10.
Zonte's Footstep McLaren Vale 'Love Symbol' Grenache, $30.
Gorgeous grenache with which to get in touch with your sensitive, loving side, and your Prince collection, and impress someone else with it at the same time. There's a flower-powered Kombi on the label in case anyone doubts you. 9.4/10.
Risky Business Frankland River / Margaret River Malbec, 2019, $25.
Dairy farmers would appreciate the name, and so too supermarkets now. Perfect wine for court case wins. 9/10.
R isky Business Margaret River Shiraz Tempranillo Grenache 2019, $25.
The juggler on the label resembles me in the kitchen when cooking, tossing knives around and trying to avoid cutting myself, which gets trickier with each glass. 9.2/10.