Lifestyle

Refugee 'victory' all at sea

THE Federal Government has declared victory in the war on asylum seekers after finding an excuse to lock them up somewhere else.

Prime Minister Julia Gizzard said the issue could now be considered closed after a committee recommended that budding refugees be locked up at Nauru and Papua New Guinea instead of the Australian desert.

"I have been looking for a way to back down on my opposition to Nauru and now I have found it," she said. "I don't consider this a political loss but a victory for ordinary Australians who don't want a country full of foreigners."

Opposition Leader Tony Abshot said he planned to look smug for at least three days after the government backed down on its opposition to Nauru.

"I'm so chuffed that I might personally travel to Nauru and lock these people up," he said.

"Once again we can be seen on the world stage as a kick-arse country that refuses to let oppressed people take advantage of our generosity.

"We may not win many gold medals any more but by gosh we can still detain people who arrive on boats."

Ms Gizzard said children would not be detained if they could prove they were children.

She said genuine refugees had nothing to fear from the new policy except being locked up for a year and possibly going insane.

"We can certainly guarantee that we won't make them endure anything much worse than they had to put up with in their home countries," she said.

"And hopefully the children will learn valuable lessons about not getting into boats with strangers."

The Prime Minister earlier was forced to back down on sending asylum seekers to Malaysia after it was revealed that the country had not signed a piece of paper from the United Nations.

She said the new policy would be backed up by a YouTube video telling refugees what a terrible country Australia could be.

"We are hoping this might deter them," she said.

"Of course we are hoping it won't deter tourists. Naturally we will continue to welcome people with actual money prepared to buy souvenir koalas and fake boomerangs."

The government would also initiate talks with Indonesia to create laws insisting that people-smuggling boats be painted olive green and marked with stark warnings, including pictures of Tony Abshot wearing Speedos and holding the key to a detention centre at Nauru.

The Greens said the policy would result in deaths and more human misery. But everybody ignores the Greens.

Thirsty Cow is fiction.

 

>> To read more lifestyle stories

Topics:  australian government humour lifestyle opinion refugees thirsty cow



Grafton KFC evacuated over gas leak

The Grafton KFC has been evacuated.

Carbon dioxide in store makes it hard to breathe

5 homes under 250k in Grafton

For sale sign in front of home.

LOOKING to get into the real estate market on a small budget?

Crunch time for healthy eating at schools

CHOMPERS: Students from South Grafton Public School join the biggest crunch event with some apples and carrots.

South Grafton Public chomps down for good cause

Local Partners

Object of desire: 2018 Kia Stinger launched

We sample the four-cylinder and V6 versions of the 2018 Kia Stinger on the road and race track.

Madeline making a name for herself on stage

Madeline Aspinall gets in some more practice after her stellar year of dancing results, including a second place finish in the Rose Cottage Ballet Burasary at the Beenleigh Eisteddfod.

Placing in eisteddfod bursary focuses dancer

'He is not going to hear me say, I love you'

Kynan Meara-Fletcher, 7, with his mum Michelle Meara-Fletcher at Lady Cilento Children's Hospital.

A young boy may be going home after a long battle with the flu.

Vic police replace Commodores and Falcons with BMWs

How the Victoria Police BMW 530d highway patrol sedan could look.

Europeans set to replace V8 pursuit cars.

Groom asks guests to fork out $250 for wedding

Ben Farina, 33, and fiancee Claire Moran, 37, asked guests to pay for themselves. Source: Supplied

He “sold it” a bit like an all-inclusive holiday to their guests

Aussie slays partner with virtual reality proposal

Reality and virtual reality collide. Picture: Supplied

He even managed to transport partner back to hometown

Cadbury fans demand return of Marble flavour

A Fan group for a discontinued line of Cadbury chocolate has been set up. Source: Facebook

Cadbury fans plead for Marble line to be returned