Lifestyle

Refugee 'victory' all at sea

THE Federal Government has declared victory in the war on asylum seekers after finding an excuse to lock them up somewhere else.

Prime Minister Julia Gizzard said the issue could now be considered closed after a committee recommended that budding refugees be locked up at Nauru and Papua New Guinea instead of the Australian desert.

"I have been looking for a way to back down on my opposition to Nauru and now I have found it," she said. "I don't consider this a political loss but a victory for ordinary Australians who don't want a country full of foreigners."

Opposition Leader Tony Abshot said he planned to look smug for at least three days after the government backed down on its opposition to Nauru.

"I'm so chuffed that I might personally travel to Nauru and lock these people up," he said.

"Once again we can be seen on the world stage as a kick-arse country that refuses to let oppressed people take advantage of our generosity.

"We may not win many gold medals any more but by gosh we can still detain people who arrive on boats."

Ms Gizzard said children would not be detained if they could prove they were children.

She said genuine refugees had nothing to fear from the new policy except being locked up for a year and possibly going insane.

"We can certainly guarantee that we won't make them endure anything much worse than they had to put up with in their home countries," she said.

"And hopefully the children will learn valuable lessons about not getting into boats with strangers."

The Prime Minister earlier was forced to back down on sending asylum seekers to Malaysia after it was revealed that the country had not signed a piece of paper from the United Nations.

She said the new policy would be backed up by a YouTube video telling refugees what a terrible country Australia could be.

"We are hoping this might deter them," she said.

"Of course we are hoping it won't deter tourists. Naturally we will continue to welcome people with actual money prepared to buy souvenir koalas and fake boomerangs."

The government would also initiate talks with Indonesia to create laws insisting that people-smuggling boats be painted olive green and marked with stark warnings, including pictures of Tony Abshot wearing Speedos and holding the key to a detention centre at Nauru.

The Greens said the policy would result in deaths and more human misery. But everybody ignores the Greens.

Thirsty Cow is fiction.

 

>> To read more lifestyle stories

Topics:  australian government humour lifestyle opinion refugees thirsty cow



Council's problems don't stem from inefficiency: Mayor

Clarence Valley Council mayor Jim Simmons.

Community wants more services than we can afford

Kapeen double as Magpies welcome back NRL veteran

GLIMMER OF HOPE: Two solo tries from winger Eathan Kapeen gave Lower Clarence Magpies an early lead in their NRRRL encounter with Cudgen Hornets.

Another tough road trip for Lower Clarence

Come one and all to celebrate 40 years

Maclean High School's Class of 1977 is holding its 40-year reunion on the October long weekend.

Were you in Maclean High School's Class of '77?

Local Partners

Come one and all to celebrate 40 years

A PLANNED reunion of students who graduated from Maclean High School in 1977 has become a whole lot bigger.


Love, lies and leading ladies in extraordinary free concert

DOUBLE ACT: Catherine Britt and Amber Lawrence are touring together.

Award-winning female country artists team up to tour latest music

What to expect at Birds of Tokyo's Ipswich gig

The band will perform at the Racehorse Hotel on Friday.

BAND member Glen Sarangapany talks music, pub grub and doing shoeys

Criterion Theatre's new call to arms

Meg Lucas as Raina and Wesley Chegwidden as Captain Bluntschli in the Criterion production of Arms and the Man.

Life member returns to direct charming comedy

Police confirm dead after explosions at Ariana Grande concert

An explosion has been reported at Manchester near an Ariana Grande concert.

Love, lies and leading ladies in extraordinary free concert

DOUBLE ACT: Catherine Britt and Amber Lawrence are touring together.

Award-winning female country artists team up to tour latest music

Seven Year Switch: The boner to end all boners

Johnny’s outraged over claims he has a cracked boner.

She gulps. Her face says it all.

Bay to star in Hollywood shark thriller ‘Cage Dive’

Cage Dive, written and directed by Gerald Rascionato, is now screening in the United States of America. It had scenes filmed in Hervey Bay.

And our visiting humpback whales also make appearance.

Celebrity sex tapes: Where does all that money go?

Basically, did Paris and Kim earn fortunes from their videos?

Rachael's journey on The Voice comes to an end

KNOCKED OUT: Rachael Noakes performs during her knockout round on The Voice.

Grafton's Rachael Noakes plans to build on momentum of new exposure

Rachael's music dream lives on after The Voice exit

Rachael Noakes performs during her knockout round on The Voice.

GRAFTON singer performs Justin Bieber hit in knockout round.

One of Maryborough's most historic homes is still for sale

FULL OF HISTORY: Trisha Moulds is owner of the historic Tinana state known as Rosehill. The beautiful home is currently for sale.

It has been the scene of both joy and tragedies over the years.

The face of the Sunshine Coast's overpriced rental crisis

Alyx Wilson had to rent a $385 unit in Currimundi because the market was too competitive for cheaper rental housing. She is now renting a room from friends who own a house in Currimundi, and says its much more affordable.

Young people feel the strain in competitive, expensive rental market

WATCH: Take a tour of a tradie's dream home

5a Bruce Hiskens Court, Norman Gardens, going for $720,000. INSET: Lea Taylor.

Huge block with potential for anything

REVEALED: Where it's cheaper to pay off a mortgage than rent

6/190 Ewing Rd, Woodridge, is listed for offers $215,000. Picture: realestate.com.au

Brisbane suburbs where it is cheaper to buy than rent

The hardest place in the state to find a rental property

RENTAL SHORTAGE: Richmond River, Ballina Bar Emigrant Creek Pacific Highway Teven Interchange. Photo Jay Cronan / The Northern Star

Not enough supply to meet insatiable demand

Ready to SELL your property?

Post Your Ad Here!