Bank executive's ridiculous daily routine
IN 2018, packing as much stuff that is "good for you" into each day seems to be the new barometer of success.
Being very busy while also remaining super calm and not at all anxious or stressed has somehow become the new standard we all need to meet.
It's an exhausting and unrealistic goal.
But apparently there are people who somehow manage to have perfect days all the time. Enter tech executive Melania Edwards.
She works at the bank HSBC in San Francisco as part of its "Global Venture Capital Coverage Group", which means she's responsible for raising heaps of money from rich people.
Ms Edwards is very busy and important. We know this because she told the entire world about it in an article and very staged photoshoot chronicling her daily routine in Business Insider.
Her day starts at 5.30am with a little morning meditation. Then she catches up with friends and family on Facetime.
She eats a bowl of fruit or a green juice for breakfast at 7am, then plays a game of tennis at 7.30am. She walks to work at 8.30am, and gets into the office about 9am
FYI, this is her Instagram bio: "Fits outside the box. A Stoic excited about technology and investing. A Buddhist who likes to play dress up."
Ms Edwards' work day is full of meetings with venture-capital firms, technology companies, and new start-ups.
She stops for lunch around noon, when she grabs a salad from the local farmer's market and then sits by the water while she eats it.
"There is always fresh seasonal produce, and the waterside views refresh me for the rest of the day," she said.
She returns to work at 1.30pm. That's a 90-minute meal break involving no business lunches, which seems pretty unusual for a very senior, very busy tech executive.
In the afternoon she catches the train to her company's other office in Palo Alto.
On the train she listens to an educational podcast and catches up on emails. We presume she doesn't mindlessly scroll through Instagram or get distracted looking at cute dresses on sale at The Iconic.
There's no naughty 3pm snack or afternoon coffee pick-me-up.
"English breakfast tea is my favourite, as I am British," she said. "I will have one coffee in the morning and English breakfast tea for the rest of the day."
In her spare time outside of work, Ms Edwards is working on her certificate in innovation and entrepreneurship from Stanford University because she is a "big believer in continuous learning".
She also works with an organisation in Papua New Guinea to promote women's economic empowerment in the country. After clocking off at her day job, she spends some time drafting proposals for the organisation.
"In my spare time, I try to give back," she said. Good for her.
At 7.30pm, she goes to yoga and then afterwards finally comes home to cook dinner with her boyfriend.
"He never fails to put a smile on my face," she said.
They do not order Uber Eats or slap together eggs on toast. Instead, they "experiment with new recipes" and presumably do not argue about whose turn it is to stack the dishwasher.
We presume it is now at least 9-9.30pm, if she went to an hour-long yoga class. That's very late to be eating dinner.
After dinner, the couple walk around the neighbourhood, which has become their evening ritual.
"On the evenings that we stay in Palo Alto, we walk down the tree-lined University Avenue, reflecting upon our key wins and challenges and preparing for the adventures of the next day," she said.
It's unclear if this whole thing is purely satire or just a really terrible idea cooked up by HSBC's corporate affairs department to make bankers appear relatable.
Whatever its purpose, Ms Edwards' smug routine is absolutely bonkers. I'm off to eat a caramel slice in protest.