Opinion

Strange Politics: Trading tips with Barnaby and Trump

Barnaby Joyce and Donald Trump: What can they teach each other? Photo Digitally altered
Barnaby Joyce and Donald Trump: What can they teach each other? Photo Digitally altered Digitally altered

ONLY two political conundrums are truly worthy of these sacred column inches this week.

In the United States, all eyes are fixed on the Big Don to see if he can overcomb the Ted Cruz-shaped thorn in his side and pilot the Republican Party to a resounding defeat.

But the big question for Australia is whether our home-grown aspiring terrier terminator will be acting prime minister when Malcolm Turnbull skedaddles away for overseas jaunts.

I must admit, lumping Barnaby Joyce together with the GOP's hair apparent Donald Trump is an unreasonable and downright brutish slight on our wannabe deputy head honcho's character.

But let's just march blindly ahead regardless in the name of blood sport and a shameless guffaw.

What can Barnaby and Trump learn from each other?

Hot Tip One: Throw your wig in the ring with a politically bonkers firebrand.

The certifiable Sarah Palin has endorsed Trump in inimitable style, twitching and hollering about her followers being "right wingin', bitter clingin', proud clinger of our guns, our gods, our religions and our Constitution".

No word on whether her endorsement has helped or hindered the blustering billionaire's prospects, but still worth consideration.

If only the National Party could convince Pauline Hanson to finally throw in One Nation's towel and shriek a few megaphone slogans for old Barnaboid.

Suggestion Two: Roll out more gaffes than a spool of sticky tape.

Publicly labelling Mexican immigrants "criminals and rapists" did not seem to hurt Trump's popularity among the extreme white swamp-dwellers who presumably make up his core support group.

Nor did saying he would build a 3000km wall from California to Texas and send the bill to Mexico.

Decidedly un-presidential conduct has become a hallmark of the windswept drongo's entire campaign, yet he still leads the polls.

He called an editor "unattractive both inside and out", adding that he "fully understood why her former husband left her for a man", and once proudly boasted "the beauty of me is that I'm very rich".

A personal favourite?

"My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body."

Ewwww.

Donald Trump’s might have the world’s most famous combover, but Barnaby Joyce, pictured in a Woolgoolga blueberry processing plant with Cowper MP Luke Hartsuyker, isn’t afraid to wear an unusual look up top.
Donald Trump’s might have the world’s most famous combover, but Barnaby Joyce, pictured in a Woolgoolga blueberry processing plant with Cowper MP Luke Hartsuyker, isn’t afraid to wear an unusual look up top. Trevor Veale

Barnaboid has slugged us with a smattering of fairly outrageous comments, but Queensland's good old boy needs to ramp it up if he wants to take the Trump route to party supremacy.

Slice of Advice Three: The tables turn.

In a cruel twist of irony considering his tendency to botch numbers, Joyce's parents supposedly chose his recognisable moniker in tribute to their favourite comic strip as university students: Barnaby the Mathematical Genius.

He famously stumbled over his calculations in 2010 when he mixed up billions with trillions and claimed Australia could easily default on its debts.

So maybe Trump, so proud of his $4 billion fortune, could use an Aussie spruiker on his team to talk up his finances even more on the campaign trail.

Great Guidance Four: Time to kill as many celebrity pets as possible.

The prospective Nationals leader got the most press of his enviably public career when he said he would knock off Johnny Depp's illegally imported dogs unless they pinged off quick-smart.

You cannot buy that kind of publicity.

Not that money is an issue for the Republican frontrunner, but he should definitely threaten to eat Russell Crowe's pet weasel next time he strolls the Hollywood red carpet.

- APN NEWSDESK



A piece of Clarence Valley heritage up for grabs

The historic house \"Ravensford\" located at 36 Villiers St in Grafton is currently on the market at McKimms Real Estate.

Take a look inside iconic home 'Ravenford'

Urban beauty around every corner in Dunedin

The portrait room of the Toitu Otago Settlers Museum in Dunedin.

Explore the many nooks and crannies of New Zealand destination

Local Partners

Un-American tale makes Lion weakest link in Oscars line-up

PSYCHOLOGY researchers find US films and actors most likely to win accolades at the Oscars.

Living End, Grinspoon stars hit stage for American Idiot

Chris Cheney of The Living End stars in the Australian production of Green Days musical American Idiot at Brisbane's QPAC Theatre.

TAKE a look behind the scenes of Green Day's American Idiot musical

Samuel L Jackson dismisses La La Land ahead of Oscars

Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone in a scene from the movie La La Land.

Hollywood actor and Oscars voter says Denzel should win top gong

Former Family Matters stare accused of child abuse

Reginald VelJohnson, left, and Darius McCrary arrive at the TV Land Awards on Sunday, April 19, 2009 in Universal City, Calif.

Darius McCrary has been accused of child abuse

Bindi Irwin's birthday tribute to her dad

Bindi Irwin

Bindi Irwin has paid tribute to her dad on his 55th birthday

Reality TV show gives Maryborough a boost

*WARNING EMBARGOED until 9.15pm Monday January 30* Sean Hollands and Susan Rawlings pictured after their wedding on the TV series Married At First Sight. Supplied by Channel 9.

Maryborough looks good on reality TV show.

The trick homeowners are using to buy more properties

Chantelle Subritzky leaves her home each week for Airbnb guests.

Queenslanders are going down this path to help pay their mortgages

Stunning home blends South Pacific beauty with Orient style

Immaculate residence with two outdoor living areas

Historic home 'Fairweather' up for action

Fairweather

Historic property owned for last 35 years up for sale

A piece of Clarence Valley heritage up for grabs

The historic house \"Ravensford\" located at 36 Villiers St in Grafton is currently on the market at McKimms Real Estate.

Take a look inside iconic home 'Ravenford'

$140k damage: landlord says property trashed, contaminated

He had what he calls "the tenants from hell"

Ready to SELL your property?

Post Your Ad Here!