Why celeb breakups are getting annoying
TODAY Brandon Jenner (a lesser-known but still significant Jenner-Kardashian) and his wife Leah announced they were ending their 14-year partnership via a carefully-crafted statement on Instagram.
Like so many celeb breakup statements it read like a declaration of undying love. In fact, the statement used the word 'love' a total of eight times.
"It is with love in our hearts … that we have lovingly come to the decision to end the romantic aspect of our relationship," it read. "We still love each other very, very much."
It went on to explain that their decision had nothing to do with cheating or fighting or anything even faintly negative. "We are bonded by a deep connection that is rooted in" - you guessed it - "love".
It begs the question, if you're so madly in love with each other, why the hell are you breaking up?
This trend of celebrities pretending that their breakups happened out of the blue, over a nice cup of tea and perhaps a long pash to round things off, is becoming singularly irritating.
Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux did it as well.
"We are determined to maintain the deep respect and love that we have for one another," they said in a statement announcing their divorce in February this year.
Channing Tatum and his ex-wife Jenna Dewan also went hard on the love when they announced their split in April.
"Absolutely nothing has changed about how much we love one another, but love is a beautiful adventure that is taking us on different paths for now," their joint statement insisted.
It feels like just another way for celebrities to point out that they're more evolved than the rest of us.
Not only are we rich, beautiful and frolicking through our superior lives with great clothes, wild parties and gorgeous children, but we also break up more elegantly than you do, these hollow statements want you to believe.
Celebrities don't do anything undignified like fight. They simply "find new adventures" or "take different, yet loving, paths."
Call me old fashioned but I don't want to live in a world where relationships are so meaningless and impermanent that you should consider calling them off because you want to "find new adventures" or "take different, yet loving paths."
Why bother working on things with your loved one if you're facing any sort of sort of real difficulty, this attitude seems to say. Look at us! We just woke up one day and kind of limply ended things for no real reason.
If things are so bad for you guys that you're arguing over who left the toilet seat up then I'd be getting onto the divorce lawyers before midday.
What a relief it would be if one of them, just once, told the truth about how their relationship really ended.
"It's with a heavy heart that I must announce that I've decided to leave Miscellaneous Kardashian #4," wrote Miscellaneous Kardashian Husband #18 on his Instagram page.
"She spent 13 hours a day taking selfies, cracked on to my best friend and was insufferably boring. After fighting continuously for six months I realised that she has no room in her life for a relationship with anything other than 'portrait mode' on her iPhone.
"Thanks to my fans for all your support as I simmer with resentment and work out a way to get custody of the dog. I'll have more information in my upcoming tell-all with Entertainment Tonight. Peace out."