Why Rowling's latest Potter fic is cringeworthy for fans
No, no, no!
That was the only thing going through my mind as I heartbreakingly read - no, scraped - through JK Rowling's latest look into the life of Harry Potter.
This week, the author of arguably the most famous wizarding world of our time decided to release a short story fast-forwarding to when Potter is now 33 and a father of two.
It appears here on the Pottermore website and is summed up here.
Written as a piece in the Daily Prophet newspaper, by trash gossip queen Rita Skeeter, the article is about members of the old Dumbledore's Army arriving at the Quidditch World Cup final.
Their presence causes mayhem delight as crowds surge forwards in a bid to see the man still known as "the Chosen One", who is now also a famous auror - the equivalent of a top FBI agent, but with a wand.
"About to turn 34, there are a couple of threads of silver in the famous auror's black hair, but he continues to wear the distinctive round glasses that some might say are better suited to a style-deficient 12-year-old," the article reads.
"The famous lightning scar has company: Potter is sporting a nasty cut over his right cheekbone."
As a Harry Potter freak - sorry, geek - that stuff is nice to read. The boy wizard has grown up.
But it's the rest of the article that makes for cringe-worthy reading.
There is a suggestion that Potter's marriage with Ginny - his best mate Ron's younger sister - is on the rocks.
"Has his wife perhaps cursed him? Are cracks beginning to show in a union that the Potters are determined to promote as happy?
"Should we read into the fact that his wife Ginerva has been perfectly happy to leave her husband and children in London whilst reporting on the tournament?"
P.S: Who knew Ginny's name was Ginerva?
The story goes on to talk about another character favourite, Neville Longbottom, who is now a popular teacher at Hogwarts, but who seems to be on the verge of being an alcoholic.
It's hard to fathom the once sweet, cherub-faced boy who loved his grandmother and needed a remembrall to remind him of things gripping a bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhisky.
Marital issues and a problem with the drink - Harry Potter just turned into Days of Our Lives!
It's almost as bad as when, earlier this year, Rowling decided to freeze time when she admitted that marrying Potter's other best friend - Hermione Granger - to Ron Weasley was a mistake and that Hermione would've been better off with Potter himself.
I'm not an "oh-em-gee" type of girl, but OMG! If I were Catholic, I would've reached for my rosary beads.
And that's what this latest offering from Rowling does. It makes me want to close my eyes very tightly and focus on something else.
In this case, it makes me want to focus on how truly exceptional the original Harry Potter series was and how nothing can ever top that.
Rowling has however promised - at the end of Skeeter's article - another mini story dubbed Dumbledore's Army: The Dark Side of the Demob.
That biography is due out on July 31, which only a true Harry Potter fan (or psycho) will know is his birthday.
I will read that too, of course, praying the magic is not all lost.